I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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