My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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