I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
