Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
