Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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