im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
My balls are so social today.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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