Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
