omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
