There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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