somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
