Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
why do cheetos always look like penises
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
