Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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