We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
third nipple confirmed
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
