i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
