Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
