Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
