when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Well I just put wine in my tea
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
