def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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