My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
This house was built for laser tag.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
