She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
