So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
