More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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