They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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