i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
