I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
