i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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