we have pet lesbian snakes
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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