uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
