a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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