dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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