Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
what day is it and did you see me today?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
