her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
