I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
