To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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