How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
