WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
