Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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