There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
