Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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