That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
