matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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