so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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