We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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