Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
