I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
