Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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