I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
