all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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