Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
