dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
